I'll get used to playing once a week. It's not that hard.

I'm enjoying my life a lot more now. Despite the downside of all of this, when I'm not thinking about it, I feel more out there. But when I do think about it, that's when I feel sad.

Other than that I know you've been doing well and I'm happy for you :)

Superheroes

After reading Kwo's post on superheroes, I might give Agents of SHIELD a go. I've already watched Arrow and I could pretty much say I loved it despite what everyone else said about it. One of the main reasons is you'd always want to know, exactly what happened on the island? They show you bits and pieces but you'll always wonder. I think two characters were killed off by the end of season 1 so I'm excited to see how it will continue. I have a feeling that this won't be the last time we see Tommy. I'm pretty sure he will some how survive and will come back in the middle of season two, hopefully on equal footing as Oliver.

Idk how but I just wake up at 6am every day without an alarm...

What does it mean?

I wanted to study

But I can't... I'm stuck in that place where you know you want to cry and let it out but you hold it in there anyway.. so it's the feeling of being weak at heart..

I'm pretty messed in the head right now

Hair cut today, then gym, then lawn bowls dinner, then back home.. I can't stand being home because I had two homes.

I've been listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtkBU3bV0tY all day so far.

I need to get a grip of myself and probably stay away from my computer so I stop checking.

At one moment I believe in myself, the next, I don't which is why it's so difficult. I'm like bipolar or something. It's strange how one event can affect you so much right?

There's no way in hell that anyone else could know how I feel. Sure you've had your share but unless the exact thing happened to you and if you had the exact same feelings and affection as I did, you cannot understand. You could try though. So thank you for being there remotely guys.

I made the wrong choices so yeah..

No more personal shit here

Have you ever missed someone so much that you start crying?

Day 4

7:25 am - I woke up with the same feeling as yesterday. I stared at the ceiling then turned towards Piggy.

9:49 am - Woke up again, I had a dream about you. As much as it hurt when I woke up, it was a sweet dream. It was a dream where we were at an unfamiliar place, things were remotely normal. Reality happened but you soon realized that it was possible to have both in your life rather than choosing one thing. A dream where I was able to latch myself onto you and not let g;, a dream which I wish lasted longer and came true.

9:54 am - You don't need to hide how you feel. I hope you are talking to some one about this and not keeping it to yourself. You promised me you would look after yourself. It'll make me happy to you that you are doing well and just keeping your promises.

11:04 am - It's great to see you're doing things and you seem to be keeping busy, if only it wasn't so hard for me. I can't help but want to know what you're up to..

11:10 am - No matter what I do to pass time, I always end up teary sigh.

11:20 am - Job searching is such a chore and I feel I have no more motivation for anything because of this... I no longer have someone to support the choices and actions i make

12:04 pm - I don't think forgetting is the right way to go, I should just not care as much and slowly detach myself as much as I hate to do it.

12:21 pm - One of the things I hate is being ignored; especially when I talk to you because I'm concerned.

Day 3

I need to limit my spamming on the blogger thing so I'll keep all blog posts according to days (for now)

7:04 pm - I'm trying to face the fact that there is nothing I can do to actually get away from this.
7:06 pm - I really wan't to ask if you're okay but I feel you don't want me to and that I shouldn't : /
11:26 pm - I managed to stay a bit more distracted tonight. Had some talk with certain people and for once I didn't feel as bad as I did the previous days. I know this will be temporary though and in no time I will be feeling shit again, probably once I'm in bed when I wake up tomorrow.

One of my conversations was about the EB Expo. It's $40 and without a job it's quite pricey. Surprisingly not many people wanted to go. As much as I want to go I'm not sure that I will. It'd be nice to catch up with you two too and normally I'd attend these expos, only if I wasn't so conservative.

Thank you for talking to me about your problems and my own. I hope you do feel better soon even though I've already told you this.

Thank you for cheering me up and keeping me company tonight. You are a great friend and those who left you back in high school don't deserve kindness from you.

1:50 am - Talked a bit more, great friendly conversation. After talking about it for quite a bit I may be able to understand a little better now.

From the way I see it, you never had proper friends you could go out and have fun with. If you were here you'd be restricted but since you aren't you can experience it properly like you would've if you had the right sort of friends back in high school.

Missing everything about you

I'll work harder in the gym until I injure myself or simply cannot go on.

There are no words to describe what I'm feeling right now.

Everything compressed into a huge ball of mess. I am that mess

Citius; Altius; Fortius.

No pls stop no more, stay inside, don't come out

If you were to replace the noise of crying with letters, how would you do it?

h-h-h-h-h?

I was gonna go but now I'm not so sure..

Maybe I should have the same mind set

If it was meant to be, we'd get close again... Unfortunately it is not that easy for me to think that way. I somewhat feel used and abandoned after I was no longer of use

Deep in thought

Making friends is some what easy for some people, not for me though.

I personally try to put in a lot of effort when I befriend people. If I feel I want them to be a part of my life not as an acquaintance but an actual individual whom I wanted to last, I would put in even more effort. How much more effort could I put in? Well if I had developed feelings, more than friendship, I'd put in my 100% to make you happy because in most cases if I saw the person I liked, happy, I'd feel a great sense of contentment myself, especially if It's me making them happy. 

Lets say you have a friend whom you are certain you tried very hard for, even through thick and thin, the hard times and the times of doubt, you managed to stay close and work things out. 

Suddenly they're gone from your life, you cannot contact them even if you wanted to, you are prohibited from talking to them, how would you feel?
 

Would you say it's like seeing a building on fire with a family member inside who you know can save but they call out to you and tell you "do not save me, let me go, you will be fine without me, you must try".

How do you react to that? It's just so sudden isn't it? I mean one minute they are practically family the next, they don't want to be saved but better yet, they have the nerve to tell you to forget and move on.

So what, you have just lost a close friend, they played a significant role in your life, shaping who you are now, they helped you become a better person but now you have to go on without them. 

 Anyway now that it's off my mind, I want to thank you all even if you didn't do jack shit, the fact that you saw the title of this blog is fine with me, thanks anyway.

People end up swallowing their pride and dignity when ever they say things like "I don't want to lose you" especially me so please don't take these words lightly especially out of my mouth.

Astrology, you have failed me.

I have failed you.

Wow... I am so much deeper and personal online than in real life.. wtf

Whenever I'm approached with problems not of my own, I feel I truly can relate and that is why I say "I understand". However when it comes to issues which involve me... do I really understand? If I did understand shouldn't it no longer matter to me? I feel as if I'm lying to myself without even realizing that I'm just making things more screwed up that it should've been.

Adele

Whenever I'm approached with problems not of my own, I feel I truly can relate and that is why I say "I understand". However when it comes to issues which involve me... do I really understand? If I did understand shouldn't it no longer matter to me? I feel as if I'm lying to myself without even realizing that I'm just making things more screwed up that it should of been.

I question myself.. I consider myself a good person but am I really? 

I don't physically bully people. I don't steal, I don't do drugs, I don't do so many things but is that really good enough to justify myself as a good person? There may be times I've hurt people not knowingly. If I was a good person, should I be making a situation easier for a friend even if it were hard for me? Should I do what I think is best for someone even if they want the exact opposite? 

I know I've been having so many strange depressing posts recently and I do apologize for spamming your dashboards. I'll try to tone it down but I'm pretty much in my own life crisis or whatever you want to call it. 

How do you define a good person?

Is this too deep that even Adele cannot roll in it? (Such a cliche)

That feeling when you really miss someone

Mmmm yeah.. :/ I'm trying though.

Didn't know I was such a weak vulnerable person

I have nobody close to me to talk to

I can't do this... I feel as if I can't ever get over it. I hate how this turned out I'm just so lost because I realize now I have nothing at all.

21Sept13 5:53pm

Eventful day

It's like the little things no longer matter

I need to hold myself together but I can't do it.

Reflection 1

Things were going so well. Who'd thought that one event could be the trigger into losing a friend?

I shouldn't have been influenced so easily. I made a friend that year and I should have done my best to make sure it stayed that way. This is why I should never choose sides.

Friends

One of the main reasons as to why I don't go out as much as I'd like is because I have no money. Even if I did some how miraculously became employed and had some cash in hand, I feel like I don't have the type of friends who'd want to go out and just chill. I no longer consider myself as "a part" of any social group. I'm more the type of person who attends events if I'm invited or notified. Other than that I feel like I have nothing to do in life.

I feel quite distant from everyone despite seeing people's faces here and there. The difference between seeing someone and hanging out to me is more based around the idea of "how intimate you get".

I'm not quite sure whether I should be searching for new people to bond with or if I'm supposed to just gladly accept my miserable life.

Hair

I hate how my face is so damn hairy... there's hair literally everywhere which discourages me from shaving.
If I shave my chin, it'll most likely look really light whereas the rest of my face is dark cause of baby hair everywhere hence if I do shave, I have to what... shave my whole damn face which can't be easy having pimples and shit

I'm too fucking emotional

I feel like I should just back off and watch what happens

Damn straight

After being alone for a while I started thinking. I always found myself to be the type of person who'd easily adjust whenever I'm introduced to something "different". I'm the "go with the flow" kind of guy you see; I don't change willingly but if I feel that I need to I will do it whether or not I want to. I don't have much of a choice, I don't control how I feel. There's a certain extent to how much a person has control over their feelings.

To an extent I can control how I feel towards people or pretty much try to hide my emotions but every human being can break. I didn't give much thought into this but the way I'm feeling now can no longer be kept and dealt with by myself. I need it written down and maybe one day when I check back, I'll be reminded of how I dealt with my current situation.

Not sure that I like what the people around me are becoming

So much negative energy, I want to just let it all go and not think about it