Reality #2

The truth is, you gave me a huge confidence boost. Not in the way that makes me feel that I'm good at something but more like you were my source of motivation, you got me to change, improve and just be better. I guess I have you to thank for that. I do regret a lot but I know that the time for that is too late. What I don't regret are the experiences which I've shared with you, which ultimately made me who I am today in terms of my beliefs, morals and way of thinking. So right now I feel I have a lot to thank you for so let's just leave this on a positive note before I go onto the much more negative note.

Thank you

I am so out of it

I'm really tired of feeling like this and I'm just really tired and upset

Oh I just remembered why I got so wasted

Sigh, my life can  be summed up in 4 letters, "Ughh" or any other 4 letter word you can think of which isn't positive

Blogs

Why do people have them?

Over the past years, each of us have had numerous blogs. So why do we create new blogs or delete old blogs or just create new blogs and not use the old ones?

Why do people have blogs in the first place?

Most of the people within our age group use blogs in the form of a public diary where we vent, rant, write about our lives, personal views, etc.

Over the years, I think I've had/shared 4-6 blogs. The very first being a joint blog between 3 people, who were pretty close to me back then. We just posted anything I think, nice pictures, rants, indirect/ambiguous messages for each other and so on. Eventually that blog died down when one of the friends pretty much drifted away.

The next blog I think, was my own personal blog. Where I wrote about more personal things, how I feel, my emotions, my thoughts and all. I stopped posting there once I shared another joint blog with a friend, it was as much hers as it was mine, there we too blogged nice pictures, little things about ourselves, with mixtures of rants and stuff. It was a really pretty blog to be honest, we paid attention to little details as to how presentable each post had to be.

After that, I believe another blog was created which was specifically for only my friend and I. There we posted about ourselves, how we felt, our thoughts and all that deeper stuff. These kind of blogs made me realized how great it is to type out your feelings. Sometimes keeping it in is just too difficult and if you're fighting with someone, at least you pretty much know where to find each other's thoughts when things are pretty heated.

I think it was a few months after that, I created this blog. I gave up on blogging for a while and only stuck to the shared personal blog but high school was getting harder to deal with in 2012 so I decided to create a new blog, this blog.

As you'd all know, there's a bit of everything, my interests, some rants, some things about my life, how I feel to a certain extent, my opinions.

Now you see, the issue with public and private blogs is that I feel the need to vent and rant but my blog is public. Most of the things I feel I need to get off my chest is personal so what do I do?

That's where I remembered that I had a personal private blog, it was pretty weird, looking at a blog which you last used 2 years ago.

It is there, where I pour my feelings out onto the screen via keyboard, I feel that if blogs were never invented, I wouldn't have been able to deal with what life has thrown at me.

That brings me to another topic, blog titles. I cringe whenever I see my blog url or title like say from 3 years ago; strollingdownthelonelyroad.bspot like what? .__.

Says a lot

Blinded

How could I have been so naive, I'm a walking contradiction, instead of barricading myself and not facing the truth (hence reality), I chose to just not think about it. I thought about it a lot today, during the day when we were eating, even while I was working.

I need to make a choice, maybe I can do both but if not, which will it be?

Maybe I'll attend the dinner for a bit and then attend the other to drink it all out. I'll never know which is the best way to deal with reality unless I try. Instead of doing what everyone else tells me to do, I'm hurting myself but I'm doing this so I know which is the better way, my way or theirs.

My feelings are hurt?

So what? I'm not going to complain.

Work>Uni

ANY DAY...

About Me

Because I'm tired and don't feel like moving anything other than my fingers, I thought I'd write a little about myself.

I'm quiet and I don't get close to people easily, mainly because I've always found it hard to trust somebody completely. There's always a limit or certain extent to which how much I share or how detailed I get with a person about certain things.

I like solving things on the spot, especially disputes, I see no reason or positive outcome of waiting to solve things later, if there's a problem, fix it or at least deal with it straight away.

I'm a really cautious person when I can be, I'm not paranoid but I'm at the point where I always try to be aware of my surroundings, the kind of people, I try to stay on guard most of the times.

I consider myself to be a light/medium drinker, I don't exactly know but yeah that's what I think.

I care a lot about my friends, first of all, there's acquaintances and friends. Acquaintances would be people I know a little but about but I either rarely or never talk to them or see them, friends, people I see every now and then, regardless if I talk to them a lot but just people who I happen to hang out with.
I care so much that I'd probably say shit even if it was none of my business, just to give them a heads up about anything.

I'm pretty simple, I'm shy so I won't approach people I don't know unless I have to, If I make conversation with you, it's not because I'm bored or have nothing better to do, it's because I wanted to talk to you. If you don't want to reply or talk to me, that's fine but I'll most likely take it personally and won't bother with you in the future.

I'm usually a nice person but if something you do pisses me off, I'll either tell you or avoid you until I feel better and then tell you. I'm sometimes a try hard, if I put effort into something and it's either not appreciated or not noticed, I most likely will feel that you are not worth it.

I forgive but I do not forget, as cliche as it sounds, I feel that I've already experienced and been through a lot, after all, it's my experiences which has made me who I am today, there are reasons as to why I'm not such a prick, why I have the morals I have, etc.

If there's any shit you wanna ask me http://jamesamesmesess.tumblr.com/ask

Creepy people

This is just my opinion but I think that 70% of guys just want to get into a girl's pants, the other 30% are either friendly, not interested in anything more than friendship or gay.

20/10/2013

I don't know what I want, I'm doubting my choices in terms of picking Computing, I don't know if I should try to transfer or just stay and finish my degree, however long it'll take me. I no longer enjoy it, Semester 1 was fine but this semester made me realize how much i dislike some of the key subjects like computer networking. I'm to blame since I don't every study for it but I also have to blame my tutor. I don't understand how these people get hired. They're meant to teach you so that you understand the subject, my uni pretty much allows 1 person to mess up the lives of 25 students.

If you have a shit teacher who doesn't teach and just turns up to get paid, how do you expect us to do well? Some of these students have repeated this subject 2 times already, the fail rate of this subject is 80% and I wonder why. When it came to the subject reveal, I watched so many people tick the boxes which said Highly disagree and when it came to the teacher rating, it was the lowest. So my question is why is she still here? I need a proper teacher who teaches properly, I'm pretty sure that tafe would be the better option right now.

On another note, I've been working a lot and I'm not saying I enjoy it but I just can't wait to see my first pay check and actually know that I worked for what I earn. With all these outings and birthdays coming up, I know that I still have to be tight and save as much as I can and only spend when necessary.

Right now I feel I'm living aimlessly, mainly because of uni. A week or a month ago I would have said that I was useless and I couldn't find a job and I'm stupid for doing bad at uni but I guess finally having a job makes me feel a tiny bit better. The fact that the last month has been quite difficult for me doesn't make my situation any easier to deal with. I don't think this is a mid life crisis or anything but my life is pretty depressing right now. I just want to get uni over and done with

Getting so many strange hours. Didn't think standing for 6 hours would be so tiring; that on top of oz tag, 100 % shouldn't do legs.

So far I've worked 28 hours this week so I'm excited to see how much I get paid for my first week! I honestly don't know how much I get paid per hour but I'll find and and hope it's at least $16.

The downside is having to wake up at random times, say Work at 3am, 4am, 7am, I have to get someone to drive me at 2:40am which really sucks for them.

Well hopefully get paid soon and I'll decide what to do with my first pay check once I see it :)

I definitely need the energy each day now

Sigh shouldn't have tried in the first place if I knew this was going to happen. Shows the appreciation level of my efforts. /wasted

Winning

How do you conquer yourself? The reluctance to act when you're faced with choices, that is probably the hardest thing for me to overcome. I tell myself I can do it and I motivate myself in believing so but when it comes for the time to act or make a choice, I find myself helplessly stuck, too afraid to make a move. I feel that's the barrier which stops me from living, making choices and mistakes just to learn from it. A great example would be an interview. I hate interviews mostly because I have low self confidence and perhaps low self esteem. I bring myself and encourage myself to get to a certain stage but from then on all I do is doubt myself.

What I learnt is you should just do it. I think too much which is why I start doubting myself but if you really want something done, just do it. Better to try than not at all.

Moving

I somewhat regret spending all those nights gaming repetitively for the last year. I'm not saying it wasn't fun or worth it, I used to feel that gaming was my own way for being social, laughing and talking to friends, generally having a good time with others. Now I feel that If I cut back a bit and spent a day or week volunteering and getting experience, it would had been more worth it.

It hit me when certain events led me to thinking that I wasn't moving anywhere in my life. I want to enjoy doing the things I love while I'm young but admittedly, we are all growing up pretty fast and to survive in the adult world, we're going to have to be a little more independent (unless you are well funded by your parents of course). Having a job, pretty much managing your time with work and study. I've always been reluctant and pretty much a wuss about everything. I've always been either too shy or too reluctant to try anything, even talking to new people. I feel that a part of me has been holding me back, I was never confident but I know that I don't really have a choice and that everybody at one stage has or will go through what I've gone through.

Right now I feel as if having a job is a priority over doing well at uni. Sure my degree will most likely earn me more money in the long run (that i suppose being the general reason as to why some people prefer to study first then find a job) but like many others, I have a role to play in my family, I have to some how be able to contribute or at least pay for my own expenditures.

-

Speaking of moving, I want a job for myself, I want to feel I'm of use for once and also so I can earn my own income. I feel that there's nothing more satisfying than knowing you worked for whatever is in your bank or wallet. With a job I can finally start saving for the little things, gifts for friends, money to hang out, maybe even games for myself, a car, eventually a house some time in the future. It all starts from when we're young.

Cleaning

The little things you find when you're cleaning. I'm the type of person who hoards and collects/keeps things that are of no importance but I keep them because it represents a certain stage or person which was important. Little notes, letters and stuff I'd keep but I even had stuff from birthday parties long ago lying around.. I think I gotta let go and not cling on every little thing that makes me happy.

OHM'S LAW

Wow this sheet is like 3 years old, back from 2010.

Hahahaha how childish, we used to write and pass notes to each other in Cheso Library. I just found one starting with you asking what was wrong, the whole page was filled with me complaining about how my mum annoyed me and pestered me asking where i was etc.

Then you said "Did you know Hilary Duff died?" :L

Reminder to myself

You shouldn't let the little things get to you. Stuff like this you'll get used to so just ignore it. Focus on things that are more important and keep yourself occupied. If you can't do your work, try to study and read your lectures, if not, read a book; do anything other than game. Remember what you did, know that you did your best and this is just how it turned out.

WID, come back here.

Just a thought

I don't know what's with me tonight, I'm thinking way too much. I don't know if there are certain "types" of people I dislike over others. I never felt I had a preference, like what kind of person I would be interested but at the same time I feel as if my preference has changed. Though it doesn't make sense since I have no preference; perhaps I'm starting to develop one after seeing so many.

They say that if you dream of someone, you miss them

I don't know

Wow it's been a week since I last posted..

Hmm well I'm still on and off, it wasn't easy but its okay. There are a few moments when I just stop and think