Coming of age

**** SPOILER FOR NARUTO THE LAST****

This weekend has been a major eye-opener for me; with the trigger being not one but a combination of the things I did.

Firstly, I'll start off with Naruto the Last.

Saturday 17th

After sitting from the beginning till the end of the movie, I've got to say, I quite enjoyed it. It wasn't spectacular or anything but I walked in not really knowing what to expect and although the movie had a little too much cheese, I felt rather content, knowing how the story of Naruto ended and that it was really quite a happy ending. What I also realized was how the years have gone by, how time has gone by. By the end of the movie, both Naruto and Hinata were married and had kids and well lived happily ever after. What a perfect life.

Two or so years ago I remember sitting at my desk watching Naruto. Like with every other anime, I stopped just so that more episodes would be released so that I could watch more in one seating. I always thought, when does it end? In saying this, I now realize how much I hate time. Naruto has finally come to an end and even though I stopped keeping up with it -last thing I remember is Naruto fighting Pain- I felt quite gloomy knowing that... That was it.

As soon as I left cinema 4, I couldn't help but feel upset or even frustrated. I've always had dreams and hopes of living in a fantasy world where different lifestyles and priorities existed. Why can't I live in a world where I can shoot beams out of my palms, find the love of my life and live a happily ever after and not have to worry about buying a house?

Sunday 18th

Moving on, this morning I decided to go to Home world at Kellyville with my mother, uncle and his wife. I didn't realize how amazing this place was- there was a point in time where I thought it might be fun bringing a few friends here just to look at houses and designs. The first house we visited, I in awe. Did I really find my dream house? I still think so. If you were to ask me to describe it, I would rather just bring you there.

After spending a couple of hours at Home world, what I came to know was that having a house is pretty damn important. There is a back story for my attitude towards owning a house but I'll save it for another time. How about I just say that my mum has been lecturing/ emphasising how important it is to have a house, how my brother should have one and I should have one and ALSO how owning a unit is just not enough.

Insert time skip here

It is now 7:30pm, since I had no mobile data, I decided to read the Daily Telegraph for my one hour break. I came across an article which added fuel to my desire to make $$$. The article was about how a poor-ish guy became rich and guess how? Yep, the stock market (Forex) to be specific.

And now here I am, upset, lonely, poor.

On the bright side, I can say I'm quite motivated. I've been learning about trading, I've been trying to get more sleep, trying to prioritise goals, physical activity and sleep.

That was just a slice of my personal life, see you soon friends.

Tiring week

So as you guys all know, I'm not the kind of person that has their priorities well managed. I rarely sleep, don't wake up on time and my studies and assignments to the very last minute.

Sunday morning I had Oz-tag training from 8am till 12pm. Usually we'd all hang out to eat but my brother and I had an appointment with the doctors to get vaccinated, think it was a flu shot. We were late and had to wait until roughly 2 which by then, we both fell asleep. After seeing the doctor and getting our shots, I had work from 3pm till 7pm. I don't think I took my break since my co worker decided to bludge and take an hour break.

By the time I finished work, I decided to go to Oz-tag training with teams from last season. Before I got on the field, I had a call from my boss, asking me to cover for some guy who had a shift at 3am. I agreed to take the shift despite knowing how busy I was gonna be; the things I'd do for money. Training lasted till around 9:30.  Usually we'd train from 7pm till roughly 10:30pm although I don't think the timer for the lights were reset.

By the time I got home, it was 11pm. I ended up eating dinner, showering and preparing lecture slides and other notes to study for later on during the day. After doing so, I headed off to bed and had a solid.. 2 hour sleep since my alarm was set for 2:20am.

I had work from 3am till 9:30am, waited in the rain for my bus and probably got home at 10:20am. Whenver I get home from work or uni, I spend about an hour just relaxing, settling down and browsing the net or whatever. I end up playing with my iPad and making fun of my face using the camera. I started 'studying' at 12pm. It wasn't very useful though since my head bobbed for a good hour or two during the process. I took a nap from 2-4 which was absolutely pointless since I was even more exhausted afterwards. Not to mention that during that two hours, I had dream which wasn't exactly pleasant; something to do getting threats and a knife in my stomach.

Spent another hour watching game of thrones (no regrets), left for uni at 6 or something and bumped into Carmen.

So many times I contemplated not going to do the quiz since it was 4% weighting. Now I've got another quiz later today at 9am (Tuesday). After that, I have to start on my other assignment which is due this Friday..

Troubles in that mind of mine # 2

Now why did I decide to talk about this now? 

Well, things are starting to get complicated again. I know I've moved on but I'm not actively searching for someone right now. I told myself that I wasn't ready and for quite a while I wasn't interested in anybody and I was actually happy.

What gets to me is this part. 

Let's get corny.

A few nights ago, I had a dream, now we know these people but I don't know them well, yet for some reason they were the ones chosen to be present in my subconsciousness. In my dream, something had happened, something that I had thought I had under control. That thing was what we refer to as cuddling/hugging. 

Yeah I love hugs.

Anyway so this person and I shared a playful cuddle or something, then I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. 

Now why does this dream trouble me? First of all, dreams are completely random and out of our control, unless you lucid dream which is something I'm not capable of. Are dreams meant to mean anything?

So there I was, certainly it isn't a big deal but now I can't stop thinking. I don't really want a relationship right now but at the same time, I'm afraid that I'll start developing feelings for this person, whom I don't even know a lot about. I'm also unsure if I should even pursue it; should I try to get to know her? 

I told a friend once when she came to me seeking advice about another guy and I told her: "Men are weak".

For the guys who are reading this, was I spouting bullcrap or is it true? 

The first girl that was ever nice to you and talked to you, did you develop feelings for her? How about now, if a stranger said hello to you on the train, if she was friendly and you got along with her right then and there, would you forget about her or would you think about her for the rest of your day?

It is what I believe anyway.

If I did get to know this person, anther issue would arise and that would be whether or not to pursue her. I don't think I could go through that situation where I'd have to risk losing a friend because of my uncontrollable feelings.

Troubles in that mind of mine # 1

For so long I've been delaying my work load from uni. Now that I actually sit here and attempt to start it, It doesn't feel too bad. I've always dreaded doing assignments and reading and studying but I'm hoping for when the time comes, I will sit here and enjoy completing my work.

It's been 6 or 7 months since my break up and as short as it feels, looking at the figure 6 & 7 which is pretty much half a year, it scares me how fast we are all growing up. I thought back to the moment when it all happened. To be entirely honest, I'm a really emotionally weak person, even physically to a certain extent.

The first week:

I admit that I did try to cling onto something that was long lost, people tend to do so out of desperation. God knows I cried my heart out that day, that night and following nights for about a week. For a person who has been in love with another for 3 years, I 'forgot' how it felt not to have someone so close, someone I could share everything with. Most f my close friends had drifted away from me, or maybe it was I who pushed them away. I knew it wasn't going to help being hung over good old sweet memories but it's just something I did and still do, more than ever during that period. My relationship with that person was over and despite how hard I tried to remain as friends with them, I was pushed away, left to fend for myself, feeling vulnerable. 

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't meant to be easy nor a fast process but it's going to have to happen, better sooner than later.

The next week:

During this phase, I tried to find distractions, always keeping "active" so that my mind had something else to engage on other than the past. I became closer to people I never thought possible and as true as it may be, I did have another female figure there for me as a distraction. 

This stage was a critical moment because having even just one friend can expose you to limitless possibilities. 

I started hanging out with her, despite not having any feelings nor attraction towards her, I believe that the reason I was able to get by was because I had another female figure in my life. 

A few more weeks later:

By then, I had become close to this person and well, I pretty much hung with her most of the time. Now I still wasn't over my ex but I definitely thought less of her.

To cut it short, break ups aren't meant to be easy, you are losing someone who was a big part of your life but we will continue to age and move forward. The best advice I could give to anybody going through a situation like this is to first of all, pick themselves up, doesn't matter how or why it ended any more, what matters is that it is gone and all you have left is yourself, your friends and your family. 

Talk to somebody, doesn't have to be family, I personally found it awkward to talk to my mum about girls in general. Talk to anybody, talk to me. 

Don't hide away and cry, don't feel sorry for yourself and don't let your feelings get the better of you.

Do something, anything really, just to get your mind off it and live like everyday is an adventure, it sure feels good after a while.

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Side tracked

I have so many side tracked posts, I begin with the title, thinking about whether or not to write about how I feel about something in particular, eventually it turns into something I feel like complaining about.

I suck at writing but at the same time I enjoy it so I don't really understand how you could enjoy something you suck at but okay!

I was meant to have work tonight at 8pm but I fell asleep. I've been feeling sore and exhausted since Tuesday night after oz tag.
On Wednesday when I had work from 6am - 4pm, my right leg was crippled, and I had a stuffy nose and could feel a cold kicking in. Really thankful that the cold symptoms are gone for now but my right leg remains weak. I then had an exam on thursday morning so I had what... 3 or 4 hours of sleep again which brings me to where I am now... I missed out on work because my body shut down and went into hibernation mode at 6pm. Had to apologize and some how Ill make it up to them, probably work more hours tomorrrow (hopfully from any time till 12. I honestly don't mind 12am - 12pm at this point since I just want to take a break tomorrow before I have to go to UTS to sort out my uni stuff.

Oh yeah, happy valentines day!


See what I mean about side tracked?

Chasing time

I think that it's fair to say that many people, if presented with the opportunity, would be willing to go back in time to either fix, prevent or mend the actions and choices they've made which lead them to where they stand today.

For me personally, I think the only reason I'd want to go back in time is to sleep more. Sleep is like a pet, which I take for granted. I can always choose to play with it if I ever felt like it. I've gotten used to not toying with it so it feels great to play with it every once in a while but on days which I'm really busy and have had no time to relax, I choose my computer over sleep which has always ended badly. 

I always felt sleeping was so insignificant and always went by the phrase "you can sleep when you're dead", not entirely but to some extent anyway. I've gotten so used to strange sleeping hours, either too little or too much, it affects my life so much more than I account it for. 

Some people say I work too much but I think it's better to say that I sleep too little. I'm not sure if it's due to my lack of sleep that whenever I do sleep and set an alarm, I never wake up until it's been a good few hours past. I think I've only experienced that "good night's sleep" that we all get told to some how obtain, only once in my life.

Sleep is just something I need to set as a priority because without it, life just isn't as great as it could potentially be.

I am no longer in control of my own feelings. Sometimes I feel like I care way too much about people and it pains me.

I don't know if it's because I hold onto the past so dearly. Maybe I can't move on from those old sweet memories and that, I just miss the feeling of being close to someone.

Nevertheless, that feeling is just eating me up inside and I don't know which action to take which is why it will eat me away until I no longer feel for you

Looking forward

I just hope it won't be too disappointing.

After a long week of work, uni, outings, I finally get to rest tonight so I ended up saying up to play garry's mod with akash and tim. At 6:30 I get a call telling me to come work at 8am instead of 8pm. Why does this shit always happen

Hahaha

My feelings are in a pool of confusion. My thoughts are in the sky filled with dark clouds. My actions are merely actions without any consideration.

What the heck is going on with me, I don't even know when this all started or how it started. Feels like I'm living half a life, probably all this change and how I'm dreading uni cause of my timetable and how difficult it may be.

I never really liked change.

Blogger

Twitter, without the wide audience and character limit.

Hmm

I'm sorry for not knowing how to show how I feel. I may have kind of changed but the things I've said and maybe promised, still hold true. I guess I feel quite distanced from many things but my actions usually highlight my true nature towards each individual person I know.

Produce

Well I can't cut watermelons for s*** so my co-worker and I ended up eating all of the wonky watermelons which I stuffed up - delicious!
I guess I still need more practice using a machete.

What is maturity?

I always thought and felt I was more mature than many of the people my age but having messed up so bad has made me realize that it was all an illusion.

I've voiced how I've been feeling recently, just how I wish I could be better and all that. It hit me hard when I had to tell my mum about the Centrelink thing. I feel everything about me has been quite fake. I mean I try, I really do.

I had a lot on my mind but this is just one of those posts where you don't feel like editing or finishing.

I will be better.

Phase

I never thought I could be influenced so much by one person. I am living q child's dream and maybe if I had known sooner, I would have taken that path but I'm almost certain my family would not have supported my decision.

Now I think about it all the time, wishing I was more talented and able to entertain as I have learned to love the feeling I get after watching such great movies. Unfortunately it is just an impulse dream I have and I just face the truth that I was not destined to become an actor or singer in this life.

Such influence from certain actors have made me question my life and how I wish I was capable of more and if I were and became successful, I would be the happiest person alive, being able to help out my family and everyone I care about.

However as mentioned this may not be the life for me and I can't make millions as much as I'd love to.

This hunger for a life I can never have is consuming me from the inside and I am quite sad about it.

This is probably why you are considered one of the most influential people in the world, you have given me something to obsess over and I am not easily obsessed.

I have never given so much thought about my future or career ever and the most frustrating thing is that it is merely a dream. Thinking about the possibilities in life, whether or not to pursue a wild dream is the most difficult decision I have right now.

Isn't it pathetic that I thought so much about it? I feel it is. Maybe if I pursued in a career of acting when I was younger, sure I'd have a chance but as the person I am now, I have nothing and don't even have the fundamental requirements so please, wash away these dreams and just admire these people from afar. So now I tell myself "Aspire to be and do more but do not follow in their foot steps. Note the paths they take and walk your own. Inspire so maybe others may follow in yours."

I don't know why I tried to hard to hide my relationship status from my mum back when I was dating. There was nothing to hide and I feel that it's somewhat wrong to hide things from your parents even if they will give you shit for it because eventually they will come to their senses and accept your decisions.. until they can say "I told you so" that is. Well anyway, I won't be doing that anymore.

:|

You haunt me in my dreams, fuck off.

I want to travel somewhere far away and then come home a changed man just like da movies

Electric Run

So I ended up going with Ho and Lam, the event was... okay I guess. The rain wasn't too bad, the worst part would probably be waiting 30+ minutes in a crowd, under the rain. By the time we actually got to start walking/running, we were already soaked. It would've been a lot better if we had a larger group though but considering it was only the three of us, it was great. It was a bummer not seeing many people run. The music wasn't great in my opinion, didn't know what to expect but it was quite disappointing.

There's not much to say about it, if there is another electric run next year, hopefully they plan it a lot better since so many people were disappointed haha.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=246503775505529&set=a.220085384814035.1073741829.207548072734433&type=1&theater

And here's a short video just so you guys can kinda get the feel of how it was; warning it's quite loud.

1 down

So day 1, I finished my first exam, was meant to have oz tag tonight but it was cancelled cause of the field being wet. I told myself I would do stuff at the part after gym but that didn't end up happening.. perhaps tomorrow if the grass isn't wet and if I'm not too tired from work.